He ate my heart,
he a-a-ate my heart.
-he should be changed to she.

i hate trying to change myself to try and make you want me. i'm done with it. college is fucken funn. so far i've kissed hmmm 14 people, but only 7 of them were making out. hahaha I'M A WHORE. get the fuck over it. i like getting attention. it makes me feel so much better about myself. so why should i change my ways if i'm happy? all i want to do is listen to lady gaga, but since my internet is fucked it's not really working out in my favor. i'm really upset. Me, sam, & bri went to american skin art on thursday but they were closed :| i was pissed. "one sky, one destiny".. if it weren't for them & then a few other people i would probably be dead. TRE YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF BITCH. i did nothing wrong and i'm not apologizing for the thousandth time for something i didn't even do. I haven't been in a relationship in over 2 years. How pathetic. What the fuck am i doing wrong? im going to bed. since im still sick im not sleeping well. so goodnight.

i'm getting way too old for this. someday, staying up till 2:00 in the morning is going to catch up to me...big time.

lights has been my in my head for the past couple of days now and i don't plan on getting rid of her soon (:

this is completely pointless but i really don't care.

i'm thinking of giving Kalie another chance. stupid right? yeah, i'm aware.

March 5th, 2010 is going to be the best day of my life.

I didn't want to let go, but i had to.

I still haven't started to pack for florida. I should probably get on that sometime soon, seeing as i'm leaving on friday....oh well. i'll probably end up forgetting shit anyways like i do every year.

i went to pride on sunday. my first one EVER. it was more interesting then i could've ever expected it to be. i finally felt so comfortable with being myself. everyone was so nice there and i just had a lot of fun with the people i was with. minus kalie bitching every now and then & the awkward conversation with jackie. i saw a couple of my friends there, like mattchu! the thing i hate most about it, is that i had to lie to my dad. he gets so weird when i talk about me being bisexual. i HATE that i have to hide a part of my life from my family. this isn't supposed to be how it is. i'm proud to be bisexual and i feel like i'm ready to tell them even if in the end, they don't approve. at least i'll stop living a lie.

i'm absolutely starving and i work at six tonight. i'm really not excited that ben wants to hook up with me. it makes things awkward as fuck and even though he's not working tonight, he said he'd come in to "make me work". sexual innuendo? i think so. I'M NOT INTERESTED. (:
disney world for 4 days this year! & i couldn't be more excited to get the fuck out of buffalo. i'll miss you terribly.

being by myself
has never been more lonely.

i'm in love with you,
don't you fucken see it?

i just want to feel happy, even if it's for one second.
i wish you still cared about me.

 
i don't care that i didn't go to my senior prom. i don't care that i didn't fill out anything for the yearbook like other people did. i don't care that i have to work 6 days next week. i don't care that i'm not over you. i don't care that we don't fucken talk anymore because apparently i'm "anti-social". i don't care that we're no longer friends. i don't care that i got in a fight with you over stupid shit. i don't care that i feel like you're the only person that actually listens to me. i don't care that my manger/boss hate me. i don't care that my stupid computer is a piece of shit and my right mouse button doesn't work. i don't care that the sneakers i bought, are too small and i have to return them.

oh waittttttt, i do fucken care. (:

my heart just shattered
into a thousand pieces.

i lied to her about everything i said,
hoping that she couldn't see the pain behind my eyes.

you'll never know how it could've been.
i guess i wasn't good enough.
i'll never be.

i really never meant to hurt you.
i honestly don't know what's going on right now.
i didn't say anything; you should know that i'd never
tell everyone your business.
that's just not me.

thanks mom, for making me feel better today. an ordinary, loving mother would try to comfort me while i'm bawling my eyes out, but you? you ask if it's about my "girlfriend".
GUESS WHAT MOM, I'M SINGLE AS FUCK.
just thought you should know.

i really want to send you that letter i wrote today...

how could you leave me so easily? was i not as important to you as you were to me? i just don't understand what i did to you, to deserve this. i would do anything and everything to be with you, and you know that. but apparently it doesn't matter anymore because we barely talk and when we do we just end up arguing about ridiculous things. i want you out of my life, but if that happens i don't know what i'd do. there's nothing really left to say to you. maybe taking a "break" from our so called friendship is the best thing to do right now.

WTF. tonight was insane to say the least. seeing as it was raining and cold today, i thought that my first day of work was going to be really easy and that i wasn't going to have to do anything. but when i actually drove up to work, i saw that the whole parking lot was pretty much full. i don't think i got to rest for a minute. i think it's hysterical how my dad was like "oh yeah Ally, you'll be home by 8." Riiiiight. I didn't get home till quarter after 10! She has me scheduled so fucken much. Goodbye life.

I can't believe that i actually thought about you today. It was just really random and odd. I LOVE that we don't talk anymore. Love doesn't even explain how i feel about the situation. We were never meant for eachother and i'm glad we both finally saw that and moved on. I really don't need you in my life and i don't plan on ever texting you again.

Honestly, i thought you'd never talk to me again. I mean, the whole thing with Mark ended terribly and i know you believed him over me. You probably still do. But the fact that you actually messaged me after i im'd you that i missed you was shocking. Maybe you miss me too? You were one of the best friends that i've ever had. Well...maybe not.

THANK GOD. Finally you say something that makes me happy. I guess i'm gonna stay as a sister figure in your life from now on and i'm completely happy with that. I don't want you and i haven't wanted you in awhile. Move on and leave me the hell alone.

It's weird hearing about someone that you used to talk to non-stop but now you barely talk to them. It's like you never really knew the person at all; that they were a complete stranger to you. That's how i feel with you. I don't know what happened, what went wrong, or what made you change your mind. Maybe it was a mixture of "i don't know what the fuck i'm doing" and "wow this bitch is crazy". I honestly don't know you as well as i thought i did. It hurts me but what doesn't these days? I wish things would just go back to the way they were with us. I can't even say that enough.

i guess you could say that we've thrown everything we worked hard on, everything we strived to be, away. there's no stopping it now. i wish you would just text me and tell me that you miss me...

i've been so paranoid lately. i don't understand why. i mean i'm so paranoid that i think people are talking about me behind my back, especially one person in particular but she does it in front of my face. apparently telling secrets is what we do in highschool now? i think people mistake it for middle school sometimes; well no, all the time. i honestly don't care what she says about me. i just don't want her to change how people look at me. we all have our pyscho moments, don't we?

work starts tomorrow and i can't say that i'm very happy. i feel so unwanted there and i don't really want to go back. i'm always being ridiculed and told that i can't do things right. it gets to me really easily and i just want to break down and cry. i hate being told that i'm not good enough. it scares the shit out of me more than anything. i think the reason why, is because it's been happening to me in different situations all of my goddamn life.

i can't believe i've held this grudge against you for this long. i don't even know how i pass you in the hallways without say hi. i trusted you with everything i had. i told you my stories, i opened up to you. i feel like you just abused our frienship. why am i fucking flipping out about this shit? it's so ridiculous but i can't help feeling how i feel. i blow this shit out of proportion like it's my job and i'm starting to think that it will never fucken go away. i have no reason to hate you at all. i wish i could get over what happened in the past and focus on our future friendship. too bad i can't text you since i deleted your number....oops. someone will have to get that for me.

my hair is short as fuck.! i don't know what the hell i'm going to do with it. sekjfsldkgjsld. :/

& hopefully things will start to get better with us. i'm really hoping. you mean so much to me.

i've been in a funk for the past couple of days. i really wish i knew what set me off. ever since wednesday, i've wanted to pull my hair out in every bad situation. No ones here to save me now, i have to rely on myself once again. i guess i've always had to do that but now that me and her don't talk anymore it's gonna be a lot harder. she made me so happy without really even doing anything. all that's gone. hello new world; i hope i don't let myself down.

i feel so betrayed by you. i've finally realized that if i want to be friends with you, I'M going to have to do anything and everything i can to get your attention. i don't even know if you want to be my friend or just are because you feel bad for me. when it comes to friends, i don't chase after people and beg them to be my friend. so good luck with the rest of your life, because i'm not doing that shit anymore. you're dead to me.

I really don't have a best fiend anymore. tre can tell me that she's my best friend until she's blue in the face, but i won't believer her. i guess she's too busy to even talk to me since she only texts me back once or twice and then that's it. (HMM doesn't that sound familiar?) it makes me feel like she doesn't care about me. i mean i know she does at least a little bit but she's too occupied on herself that she doesn't care about how other people are feeling.

i guess this is my only way of commnicating with you right now? the deal was that you'd talk to me whenever and i'd do the same with you. this is just gonna get harder and harder every fucken day. you were one of my best friends above everything else. i didn't mean to put the blame on you. i never want to hurt you and that's the last thing i plan on doing. why am i even saying this again? it's not like you don't know how i am. i just miss you and it already hurts so much. emily and katie mank asked how you were; i couldn't really answer that question because i honestly don't know how you are at this moment in time. i wore fantasy yesterday and it made me think of you. i think i'm in WAY over my head. no, i know i am.

this is absolutely killing me inside.
i won't be able to do it much longer.
so make your move,
or else i'll be gone forever.

you're one of the few people who i can't read.
i never know what you're thinking about and it bothers me.
what are you feeling?
i wish you would tell me so i wouldn't have to be stuck in this position.

i could leave you at any moment.
never look back and never regret anything.
but the funny thing is,
you'd never know how easy you had it with me.

i REALLY fucking hate liars. what makes you think that i'm not gonna find out that you lied to me? do you actually think i'm that stupid? i'm pissed as fuck. to think that i actually trusted you? well my trust in you just went down to the negatives.

i think i expect too much out of people. i want them to act the way that i would want them to act. it's never going to happen so i should just get over it.

so i've been thinking about a lot of things lately. but one thing comes to mind: how much you bother me and how much you've fucken changed. maybe i'm just jealous that you're gonna take her away from me or maybe your constant bitching about how sucky your life is, is getting to me. you never say hi to me, never text me, never anything. i wish it didn't upset me that i'm losing you as a friend. we were never that close anyways i guess.

i'm gonna have to be selfish for once and actually focus on myself. fuck everyone else.

OH MY GOD. MAE IS COMING i%(#)$)RSDKLSKD!)($. i'm so fucken excited. the last time i saw them was such a shitty experience and i ended up leaving in the middle of seeing them. i really wish i would've stuck it out, but i didn't.

boys are just becoming more annoying by the day. no i don't wanna see you so stop asking. no i don't care if you're getting drunk with your friends so stop telling me. no i don't care if it's "blowjob" day tomorrow or whatever the hell you told me it was. i can't tolerate them anymore.

i've fallen so hard for you, you have no idea. i don't ever want to lose you. you make me the happiest i've been in awhile.

i don't want to start work again. i like sitting on my ass alllllllllll the time. it's absolutely fantastic. oh well.